I might feel a little better if the plus sign on this pee stick were darker. I’ve never seen a dark vertical line before. I will call the Dr’s office when they open and see what they recommend. ANY signs of a plus means you’re pregnant. I just worry it’s not viable – much like my others. I hate the worrying.
The last two times I was pregnant – even if just for a week – I knew it. I didn’t feel good the whole time. I was exhausted. My boobs ached a little. And I constantly felt nauseous. While this time I’ve had some waves of nausea and I have certainly partaken of a few power naps this weekend, it doesn’t even compare. I am starting to wonder if this will ever happen for me. And if not, then what? Do we adopt? Do we never have kids?
I went to the doctor at 8:45 this morning. Keep in mind this is an infertility specialist. They deal with women like me all the time – meaning they’re used to people who have trouble with this stuff. I’ve been down this road twice already, so I clearly have my doubts and hesitations. I don’t know if this is going to work out and I’m afraid to get too excited about it yet. After they took some blood I got a solid round of “congratulations” and “aren’t you thrilled?” from the staff. Well, that’s hard for me. My answer was a simple, “Not yet. We’ve been down this road a few times before.” I think their average patient has a hard time GETTING pregnant, while I have a hard time KEEPING it!
As I type this I am awaiting a call with the status of my hCG levels. I can’t tell you what I’m hoping for, as it’s really more about the difference between today’s test and Wednesday’s test, but we’ll see what they say.
Alright, so the doctor sounds optimistic. I’m still hesitant to get excited. As of this morning my hCG was at 74. She said that was good – they like it to be over 50. My progesterone was REALLY great at 59. On Wednesday we’ll do this all over again and look for that hCG number to at least double. If that looks good then I’ll start blood thinning shots on Wednesday evening and I’ll also need to find labs in Florida and North Carolina so they can check my numbers over the next week or so.
Tonight for dinner we went to Gwen and Dave Klebba’s house. Gwen and I live these weird parallel lives, except for the fact that she’s a skinny Vietnamese young thing. We were married to our husbands on the exact same day (same year). Our birthdays are one day apart (different years), so we’re both Virgos. Our husbands used to work together, but they’re in the same line of work. We live in the same neighborhood. We both have dogs and no kids. We share a love for many of the same things – food, wine, entertaining, etc. Sooooo – this was BOUND to happen. We get over there and she offers me a glass of wine. I say no thanks. She gives me a look; finally asks if I’m pregnant. I sheepishly said I may be and would know more next week. She’s still looking at me funny. Then she says, “I have a secret.” So I say, “I do too!” How funny. They’re pregnant!! It’s their first pregnancy so she’s paranoid and worried. I told her it was my third pregnancy and I’m STILL paranoid and worried. Her first doctor’s appointment isn’t until July 11, but we both had looked up expected due dates and we’d be about a week apart. Too funny. I really want this to work this time.
On the way home from dinner last night Jeff and I started talking about the concept of parenthood. I told him while it’s great that our closest friends all have kids and can share their experience and wisdom, but I’m excited at the idea that we could go through this with the Klebbas. It would be fun to experience this new thing with someone else who was new at it too. Also, it would give Jeff someone else to talk to about being a new dad, an idea I know he’s worried about. We started talking about this and he’s in fact very worried. He’s never the guy that wants to hold other people’s babies. He doesn’t mind playing with older kids, but he’s really worried about how he’ll be with an infant. I told him I felt this was not only very normal, but I’m convinced there are millions of men who have the same concern. I personally feel like there’s nothing to do but get thrown into it. Then he’ll handle it fine. It will be different when it’s your own kid. That sounds cliché, but I believe it to be true. The concept of children – of having a family of our own – is very exciting to us. The everyday practicality of it is a scary concept.
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